Intimacy & Boundaries

A situation happened recently that caused me to think about the inherent tension between the psychological need for intimacy, and the psychological need for boundaries. It's a subject close to my heart because I'm a big believer in boundaries. Ask anyone who knows me, they'll tell you I have strong boundaries (some might say 'walls'), and as for intimacy--well--I love having people around that I know well and who know me and accept me as I am.



But it seems to me there are a lot of people who are very reckless with boundaries--always asking very pointed questions about one's personal life, or giving advice on subjects so intimate they have no right treading there. Or else, they're telling you things that are way, way too much information to know about them. Or using your things in a 'what's yours is mine' sort of way. We all know the type, people who are in a big rush to be familiar when you don't know them very well. I really hate that--I hate being in the position of having to find a way to back off--and I hate feeling guilty about doing so.


Maybe it's me.

If you mention the idea of 'boundaries' these people will look at you like they've never heard of the concept before. Especially people in large families, they are so used to having people in their bubble, in their face, about every little thing that the idea of drawing boundaries seems cold and unfriendly, even hostile. Some families operate on the idea that familiarity gives them the right to intrude in almost any area of your life, and when faced with the outside world where boundaries are the order of the day, they find themselves feeling shut out and resentful, when they should feel respectful and appreciative at being informed of the limits of ongoing relationships.

I was one of those kids in kindergarten who had 'shares well with others' written on my report cards constantly. But at home, a different standard applies. My home is my castle, my fortress, my sanctuary. I am jealous of everything in it, its peace, its quiet, and its order, and I don't like people making themselves too much at home there. And the closer you get to my bedroom--the inner sanctum--the more those rules apply.

Yes, I realize there is a metaphor there. You can draw your own conclusions.

But I also believe that my fondness for drawing boundaries makes for easier, long-term relationships. You always know how far you can go, with me, and if you go further, rest assured you will be told so. Conversely, I am always on guard against transgressing anyone else's boundaries, and if I step across, you can be sure that I will have re-assessed the situation shortly, and won't do it again. This is how I am. I make no apologies for it.

But all this watching and reinforcing of boundaries takes a lot of energy, and I often wish I didn't have to do it. However, the way of the world is such that boundaries must guarded--fortresses must be protected.

On the other hand, I might just be overthinking the whole thing.